A few months ago my brother’s fiancé gave me a compliment. It was the best kind of compliment because to be quite honest I don’t think she had the slightest idea that she even did it. If I remember correctly, she actually apologized before saying it because in the wrong light it can be misconstrued. Anyway, enough with the procrastination, I know you’re all dying to know what she said. Aren’t you?
Lizzy told me “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m really proud of you. You’ve come so far from the first time you were hurt. It was really sad that you honestly believed there was only one person in the world for you. You truly believed that. And now look at you, you understand that everything will be ok.”
Or something along those lines. And the important thing is that she was right. I have come a long way. When you’re in love for the first time you have the highest of expectations. The movies, the books, the TV shows – they center love, for the most part, around a single relationship. An all enduring relationship. The two destined souls that manage to overcome every obstacle thrown their way. And unfortunately, that isn’t the way life goes. Not for most people, anyway. And certainly not for me.
I have had my share of ups and downs, as my writing will testify. I have loved, and lost, and hurt, and gained. I have created the life I have now totally by accident. And I have grown to not only accept but to love the person I have become, because as you will someday find out you fight everyday to be the person you are tomorrow. You lean on people. You lean on your profession. You lean on the media, the music, the past, and the future. You create your life in strides, not in one giant blueprint. And its impossible not to let your surroundings influence you and help you through.
I think that is one of the lessons most incorrectly taken from pop culture. This idea that there is only one fish in the sea for each of us. One person on whom your life depends. One boy, or one girl. Everybody happy always has one. One job. One lover. One best friend. And I think that has fucked me up. I have held onto this idea of a static fairytale my entire life, and its caused me more trouble than has done me good. When I get into my fairytale relationship, when I start “living my fantasy,” so to speak, I tend to forget there is a whole world out there. I refuse to believe anybody should make my boyfriend happier than I can. I refuse to believe anybody that isn’t him should make me happy. I refuse to let myself spend a lot of time with multiple women or share my secrets with several girls because then I’m cheating on my best friend. And that should never be the case. Not for me. Not for you. Not for anyone.
My boyfriend loves to hunt, and workout, and watch shows about the wilderness. I love to write, and sing, and fantasize about my wedding. There have to be other people out there who love doing the things that we love doing, and I’m sure there are even some in Reno. And, counterintuitive as it may seem, some of the people that like to do what I like might be men, and some of the people that share his passions might be women. And for either of us to rob the other of a good time is not only unfair its crazy.
So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry to the people I have scared off because I don’t know how to share. I’m sorry to the people I have ignored or forgotten each time I began a new chapter. I’m sorry that I didn’t know any better, or refused to believe it could be true. I’m truly sorry. But as you can see from Lizzy’s observations, I’m changing. I’ve established in my mind that sometimes things aren’t black or white. That of all the fish in the sea, you don’t have to be the only one for me. There are plenty of critters out there, and who knows, by the time I die I might just have loved them all.