The fishes in the sea.

I have noticed recently that we all wait for somebody to confess their love to us. For somebody to ask us to marry them. To be tied to somebody, emotionally, so that we can feel safe. Stuck. Wanted. And the longer I have time with my own mind the more I wonder why we desire this. Love is something I am incredibly obsessed with. I want it so badly. I want a future. A baby. A home. A husband. I want it all. And I’ve had the idea that all of this will come – be guaranteed — with a ring. A proposal. A marriage. Then I looked around me. I saw divorce. I saw break ups. The fall outs and the pain. And now I wonder what there is for me to long for. What hope am I supposed to cling to regarding this deep uncontrollable desire?

I haven’t the slightest idea and I am terrified.

Recently, I was told that I’m “the one.” Finally! This was something I had been waiting and hoping to hear for a long, long time, that I wasn’t sure he’d ever find the courage to admit. Now that it’s here, I still don’t believe it. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the ring. That he can still back out, theoretically, without harm. But I don’t think so. I think it’s because I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I don’t know if love is really as phenomenal as all of the fairytales and songs make it out to be. Maybe because I’m jaded. I have 6 weddings to attend this year, and I am afraid of how I feel about them. I’m jealous, but I’m also scared. I think a few of these marriages will end in tears and sorrow. I don’t think he is right for her. I think she settled for the first boy who didn’t throw her back, so to speak. And I’m terrified that will happen to me.

I’ve given everything I have for the love I have found and I’m scared that that isn’t enough. My mom once told me “what, just because somebody tells you they love you means they won’t break your heart? Get real.” And I hated her for showing me the confession of love in that light. But I think she’s right. And I hate that this one thought, this one idea, is crippling. But it is. My entire life’s desire is now shattered. And I’m scared I’ll never again believe the words “I love you,” are enough.

I guess it’s sort of based on this. This thought I cannot shake that is completely new to me. I never realized just how big the world is until I came out here two thousand six hundred miles from home. I was exposed to a whole different cast of characters. I met people. Real, genuine, caring, kind human beings. & I thought to myself “There are so many people & so many places in this world, how we ever let one -one single solitary human being- make us or break us is absolutely mind blowing.” There’s always, always, something more, you just have to find the courage to search for it.

Mothers, teach your daughters.



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