It’s been quite a while since I have had anything negative or upsetting to put up here. And I am deeply grateful for that. But the thing about life is its only fair because it’s unfair to everybody. And this past weekend, it was unfair to me. It was my turn to remember how it feels to be scared. Hurt. Taken advantage of. Worthless. Sad. Broken.
And it sucked.
It sucked when it began on Sunday, after an incredible weekend with my family. It sucked on Monday when I crawled back to him like a lost dog begging for a safe haven. It hurt Tuesday when I couldn’t see him. & Wednesday, when I finally found the strength to try the gym, it hurt when I broke down at the box jump. Today, it hurt when I tried to eat breakfast, & when all of my coworkers finally asked me what was wrong. It hurt today, just as it has every other day, but it hurt a little less.
Maybe it was because I took a step back and somehow realized (thanks, dad) that I cannot keep questioning what happened; or why it happened the way it did. It happened. He’s gone. It’s over. And it’s sad that I wasn’t ready for it to happen this way, but that doesn’t make it stop. This isn’t a movie. & It isn’t a fairytale. I cannot push a button or turn a page and instantly feel better or understand. As it turns out, I have to do that on my own. This is my life. I have be the strong woman my father swears he raised and forge ahead. I have to pick up the pieces of my life. I have to re-learn to do things alone that I’m not used to doing alone anymore. Which, admittedly, is pretty much everything. I have to learn to eat. To over power my mind and my emotions. To be the same person I was before my world fell apart. To think about my own future, where I will end up, who I will be with, before I worry about what anybody else is doing. Fortunately, I am surrounded by some of –if not– thee best people on the planet; because everybody keeps saying that I am smart, and that I am bubbly, and that I will be ok. I will learn. I will learn that this is just a bump, just a bruise, just a bad day.
I will learn, & I will lean. I will lean on my sisters. My very best friends. On the new relationships I’m creating with people who have no idea how grateful I am for their unnecessary kindness. On my hobbies and my career. I will lean on this notepad and my iPod when everybody has gone to sleep and my mind won’t shut off at 3AM on a worknight. I will lean on whatever I can until I learn to stand on my own again. Until I can sing a country song without tears streaming down my face. Until I don’t have to take a different route just so I don’t see his truck parked outside the gym. Until I don’t have to consciously not cry every time I am alone, or outside of a grocery store. Until I am me again. The bubbly, caring, kind, hilariously happy, strong, girl I somehow became.
I’m not there yet. I don’t even know how at this point I can make those statements, because I feel like they’re impossible. I feel like moving on, starting all over again, is seriously impossible. But I’ve thought that before; and look at me now. I guess maybe that’s how all great stories start; with an idea or event that seems impossible to overcome. An intangible outcome. And ends up a fantasy. This impossible journey will end up a fantasy. My fantasy. It will because it has too. Because if it doesn’t I would be wrong, and that’s silly because I am always right.
And I am always alright.
After all, I’m only human. We’re all, only human.