Man! I don’t know how I will ever thank my sister-in-law for spontaneously inviting me to my nephews first TBall game this past weekend. Opening ceremony parade, little hands, big smiles, ice cream, cartoons, early mornings and photos. It was seriously the best few days I have had in a long time — some of the best moments of my life (all twenty five years of it).
Sometimes when I experience trauma, or loss. Fear, or pain. I shut myself up in my own little head. I assure myself that nothing in this world will ever make me feel as happy as I was the day (or maybe even just hours) before. I get so caught up in rebelling against the change, I stop accepting the present. I am literally just now realizing how many wonderful moments of my own life I have missed out on because of my own selfish pity. And after this eye opener, I promise I will never retreat back into that dark lonely wretched cave ever again. Ever. I won’t lose myself in the midst of another person. I won’t leave my hobbies behind for theirs. I won’t leave my family or my friends behind for a boy’s happiness. I refuse to let anything have that much control over me ever again. Three times in ones life is three times too many.
I choose this instead. I choose this wide eyed grin. This 10PM solo dinner & 90s dance party. This 7PM 36 minute drive to no where other than down the highway; with the music blaring the same damn song over & over & over (that might remind me of a boy — but shut it). I choose a scary airplane seat over this quiet, steady, same city. I choose a 2 mile walk around the Marina with somebody new. I choose adventure. I choose happiness. I choose me. Take a look at this & tell me how could I not?
I hope that you all find the strength to pull you through your struggle, whatever & whenever it may be. I hope that you never let life rob you of yourself. I hope that you find the courage to conquer the things that scare you; be it heights, travel, communication, grocery stores (haha), trying just one more time –I hope that somehow the way I’ve managed to so quickly pull myself together inspires you. If I can do it, I promise there is hope for each and everyone of you. Because I am a stubborn Taurus. A brat. One hard-headed hell of a raging storm. & look at me, I’ve found my way back to the sunshine again.
PS. Now playing – Taylor Swift (come back, be here) & NOT crying!