I’m having an epiphany. Which might sound weird. “Having” an epiphany; it’s a present tense of the notion. Most of the time an epiphany is a split second revelation. But I don’t think that always has to be the case. I think we can notice we’re making a brave discovery while it’s still kind of happening. At least, I can.
Yesterday, I opened my wallet to make sure I was still carrying around one of my favorite quotes. I wanted to be sure I hadn’t lost it in the wallet-switch-shuffle which as a woman I complete quite often. Thankfully, phew, it was there! What I also found were a bunch of reminders of my most recent relationship. Photos and receipts, & trinkets. And although I was startled, I didn’t fall apart. I took these pieces of my past, the reminders of moments I thought I would never lose, and I tossed them into the trash. In one fell swoop forever was lost. And it hit me. We spend months and months; all of our personal quality time, and efforts, and breath and stamina and words; we invest it into some … thing. some relationship, idea, theory, person; and then one day, without warning, sometimes without understanding of why; or how, you just throw it all away. And in that one moment, at your desk, under your cubicle, on a Monday, while the sun shines, everything you thought you’d never lose, you let go of.
And herein lies the epiphany. Here is where I realized that I should start putting more effort into the moments I won’t ever have to throw away. Moments I do for myself. With myself. By myself. I don’t think many people go through moments of despair when they think back on the things they’ve done in solitude. The jogs they took, the words they’ve written. These are the moments we hold onto forever; and therefore the ones we should entertain. And I’m working on that. I by no means have changed myself overnight. I haven’t stopped dreaming of the next time I’ll fall for somebody in a photo booth, on the wharf, in a flash; but I’m learning the moments that will get me there are just as important as that moment itself.
It’s important for me to call my mom when I miss her and tell her that I’m doing OK. It’s important for me not to send that text message! It’s important for me to get to bed before midnight so that I can wake up at 6AM and go to the gym. It’s important for me to buy groceries, and cook dinner, and scoop Zero’s litter and fill his bowl. It’s important that I wash my car and wash my dishes. I’ts important for me to write down every move I make because it makes my heart less heavy. It’s important for me to make my own jokes and laugh at them. I’m learning that it’s important for me to go on vacations I want to go on; to Chicago and North Carolina and Nashville and San Diego and back to DC and anywhere else I damn well please. It’s important that I give myself the space and respect that I deserve and desire from other people. It’s important for me to eat hot Cheetos or chocolate chip cookies or broccoli with mayonnaise if that’s what I like. I’m learning that it’s OK for me to curl my hair and buy new jeans and paint my nails simply for the fact that I want to feel good. I’m learning that it’s healthy, rather than depressing or embarrassing, to enjoy doing things alone. And I’m learning it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that way.
The keyword here is learning. And in the midst of all the learning, I’m seeing that some lessons aren’t easy to grasp, but they sure are fun.
Here’s my recent life in the form of a rap lyric for you:
“No ho shit, no fuckin’ ho shit. Just save that for your shirt. I don’t need no fuckin’ body, I run my own shit. I thought I told ya, you didn’t listen.” (6 Man) #gymflow