Me and the heart on my sleeve believe so hard in the Fairytale its embarrassing. It’s embarrassing, and disgusting, and it’s exhausting & it’s terrifying. I want to fall in love. But I’m scared. How, after all the times I’ve been let down, I manage to still put a ton of hope and expectation into something that literally might never happen is beyond me. Clearly I don’t want to believe it’ll never happen, and everybody tells me that it will, but I’m scared that it might not. What if it doesn’t? Oh gawd! Despite what people claim, at the end of the day, I believe we’re all looking for somebody to share our lives with. We may not all dream of the flamboyant wedding, the kids, the puppy, the traveling, the comfortable home — but I think we’re all looking for somebody to be there for us. Even when we pretend we aren’t. What else is there to life, really? Look around you. There’s a story behind every person you see. It makes me wonder, where’s my story going to start?
I really deserve it, a good story. A Fairytale. I know that I deserve my space, my me time, my career, my car, my freedom. I know that. I have all of that & I appreciate it immensely (it’s quite an accomplishment, actually). But I also deserve to be somebody’s everything. I deserve to wake up one morning and make pancakes and drink coffee with the love of my life. I deserve to be a girlfriend, then a bride, a wife, and a mother. I deserve a random phone call because I’m on your mind. I deserve flowers on the anniversary of the day we met. I deserve somebody who will surprise me in the shower and spot me on my squats. I deserve somebody who knows that I’m a hopeless romantic, and loves me because of that. I deserve somebody that appreciates the little things I do, like write about them, and buy them their favorite treat just because, and take a thousand pictures of them when they’re simply sitting still. I deserve somebody who appreciates that they are exactly what I have been waiting for my whole life. Somebody who knows I love waffles more than I love almost anything else on the planet. I deserve somebody who understands that my transportation budget is double what it should be because I drive aimlessly around listening to music to keep myself at peace. I deserve somebody who loves that I’m interested in them. Somebody who will fly around the country with me making shameless memories.
And I know that my happiness shouldn’t depend on finding this, and in a way it doesn’t. Look at me, I’m happy today. Alone with my cookies & my Netflix. I truly love the time I have to myself right now. The way I can choose whatever I want for dinner, or use all of the hot water when I shower. But there’s something to be said about hopelessly hopeful girls like me; something to be said about me.
I was talking to my mom today & I told her that it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that I care more about everybody else than my goddamn self. And I expected her to tell me that’s not right. That I have to put myself first. I expected her to tell me that my happiness is the most important thing on this planet. And you know what she said? She said, “That’s not always a bad thing.” This statement, this kind of genuine continued outpouring of kindness, is exactly the reason I am the way I am today. It’s exactly the reason I want to find somebody so badly. Because my happiness comes from seeing the happiness of others. From making them smile at the end of the worst day of their life. When they didn’t reach their goals or get the job they wanted. When they’ve lost their game. I love my mom. I love her for everything that she brings to light for me and for the way -in spite of every hardship she’s faced- she’s not jaded. It gives me the hope I need to remain hopeful about what I’m going to find.
I think there’s something to be said about girls like us; my mom and I. About girls with a heart so concerned with giving it sometimes forgets that it deserves to receive. And maybe that is this:
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”