This weekend was absolutely incredible. April 24th, 25th, 26th 2015 will never be forgotten.
Before the weekend began I was hesitant about it. Apprehensive; as I always am. I worry about all of the things that could go wrong in life. A crappy commute, ugly weather, spontaneous flu, awkward silences. I don’t understand why I always play out the worst-case scenario for a certain event or day before it arrives, but I do. Come to think of it, I always play out the best case scenario, too. I overplay, play-up, stress-about & analyze-to-death ev-er-y-thing in my life before it actually happens.
At least, I used to.
And then this weekend came. & I had the time of my life. & I did it all by myself. I didn’t sit next to my phone waiting for it to ring. I didn’t read quotes from Tumblr for hours on end, shutting out reality. I didn’t cry, or whine, or fall apart. I didn’t feel sad about being unaccompanied. I enjoyed my own space. My god, how refreshing! I got myself dressed into an adorable romper and had a 3 1/2 hour road-concert in the front seat of my car. I saw my nephews. I spent time with my mom I will never have to give back. I got her advice, and her opinions & I felt her love. I took her to a fancy party and made her take photos. I helped her feel young and beautiful again. I celebrated my sister-in-law to be, and her future-union to my brother. I chose to leave at an unscheduled time & drove home alone in the dead of night. And I listened to all of the songs I usually have to pass on shuffle. I got a little bit stronger. I did some chores. I enjoyed my home. I reveled in the fact that it is mine, and smells divine, and is filled with memories that no longer make me cry. I got completely dolled up and ventured up to Tahoe (I die) for my lost-but-found-again best friends Wedding. I realized the connection we have is incredible, and I felt infinitely blessed to have somebody by my side I can literally not see for over a year, and have nothing change. I watched her marry the love of her life and instead of feeling defeated, or sad, or unsure about my own happiness – I felt pure joy. I was elated for her. I still am! I heard a speech that night that reassured me I made the right decision finding the time and the courage to attend the ceremony. I caught up with old friends, and took photos that will be cherished for a lifetime.
I know all of this might sound childish or silly to many of you, because you do things like this all the time. But what I can’t put on this screen is the way this weekend made me feel. I can’t make you undergo the change these two women brought about in me this weekend; the way they faced what could have been disastrous news with smiles & without fear. I can’t show you the way -after this weekend- my heart is bursting at the seams with hope & optimism for my own little life. I don’t know how to explain something that just kind of happened. The events of this weekend were about love & Fairytales, but they somehow distracted me from my own. I don’t think I’m living at the mercy of my desires anymore.
I would still like someone to text me. And miss me. And visit me. But I’m ok without it right now, too. I don’t sit and wait anymore like I used to; like I did just 72 hours ago. I don’t constantly think about where he might be or why he isn’t here. I realized that I have enough of my own horrors and hurdles to face; enough of my own Fairytales to finish. I have enough of my own friends and family to visit, of my own memories to make. I have pets to tend to and food to eat. I have my own life to live. I don’t have time to constantly wonder and worry about him. It was exhausting; the gross kind of exhaustion. The draining and degrading kind. The more I’ve been doing things for myself, the faster I’m falling in love with it. I’m falling in love with being myself; with being by myself. Surrounded by people and things that I love, but with no attachment ties threaded. I can see the beauty in every relationship around me without sensing bitterness or jealousy at that deep corner inside of me these faults used to live. I can see the beauty of the places all around me, right here, and all of the places far away I wish to go. & will get to on my own.
I would be lying if I said I no longer wanted a husband, and a fairytale. I think that’s a dream life has for us all to some degree. But I don’t need it. I think that’s the difference. Want Vs. Need. I used to need the attention or love of another to make me feel right. To make things seem in place. For my puzzle to be complete. But now I see that my puzzle is already finished. I am all I really need. I touch my own two feet on the floor each morning and I lie my own head down at night. And what happens in between is for me to decide; not for me to live with. For me to create & cherish & ponder & love. I think that is where the difference between true happiness & faking it lies. As a human being, you may always want somebody around to tell you you’re pretty in the morning dawn, or laugh at your horrible jokes. Somebody to warm you up when the sheets are freezing & make you coffee when you’re running late. But you can never need somebody to do those things. You can never need another person to make you happy.
I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. & my gawd, that is the most beautiful Fairytale there is.