Had they never left me.

Everything is Going to be Okay.

That’s what the title of my favorite book says, anyway. It isn’t a book, per-say, it isn’t a novel. Or a story. But it is my story. It’s optimistic sayings; artful happiness; bound together for review on my worst days. It was a gift given to me by my sister-in-law when I was leaving home. Moving out of state and onto (what I thought at the time were) better things. I was spreading my wings. But somehow she knew that – even though I didn’t want to admit it – things might fall apart & I would need this simple reminder.

I’ve taken this book & made it my own. As I seem to do with everything that I begin to like in even the slightest fashion. It is my latest obsession. It’s filled with everything I need to be happy & thrive. Words. Optimism. And, well, that’s pretty much it.

But tonight as I sat at my desk writing down all of my favorite quotes between it’s covers, I realized something. I realized just how long it’s been since I’d done it. I have had the book for nearly a year, and I think this is only the second or third night I’ve taken the time to review & add to it. What? What in the heck have I been doing?

I realized –
All this time I had convinced myself I found somebody else, what I had actually done is lost myself. I will never forget the life I’ve lead up until this point but I don’t necessarily think it was mine. There was always an ulterior motive pulling me out for a jog; out to the gym; out of the state. A boy. And being so focused on this journey didn’t leave anytime for me to create my own.

Well, not anymore! Not today! Not up in here!

Had they never left me, those pieces of my life I chased, I would still be running. I would still be remixing myself, changing my likes and desires to fit their schedules. Changing my life to fit their mood. I would be out having drinks instead of in bed writing. I would be eating salad instead of ice cream. I would be in Montana or Turlock, or Oakland instead of here. I would have never gone to DC (where I think part of this realization began). But what I would be doing isn’t important.

The important thing is that I’ve realized I’m doing now what I wouldn’t have ever found the time or courage or desire to do if I had settled down. I wouldn’t have written any of the insightful, inspirational, painfully honest things I’ve written over the past month. I wouldn’t have take an evening drive across town and found my fairytale neighborhood. I wouldn’t have made friends and jokes at work like I have. I wouldn’t have found any of the quotes I swear now i don’t know how I’ve lived without. Had my past not broken me, I would never be here writing down my favorite quotes. I would never have become the girl who dreams of fairytales.

(I found this incomplete work in my drafts, and I really like where it was heading but can’t figure out how to end it. So I’ll just leave it here).



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