Let me start with a disclaimer:
This post is not the most uplifting. If you’re having a good day, you should probably stop reading right now. If you’re having a bad day, you should probably stop reading right now. OH…
Anyway, fear. Fears.
There are a lot of things that scare me. Or, terrify me as I like to say. I traveled across the country for the first time last January – January 2015 – so 2 January’s ago now (yikes, that went by quickly). I was traveling for work. All the way from the West Coast to frigid Baltimore, MD. Over 2,000 miles & 3 time zones. I didn’t know anybody I was traveling with since I was heading out for new hire orientation at my job, but I learned you make friends quickly with anyone when you spend 6+ hours on a plane with them. You also learn a lot about each other. My flying partner learned a lot about me. We weren’t even half way into our first day, of fourteen together I might add, when he looked at me and said “You know, everything terrifies you.” And ever since that moment I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I mean, I don’t spend every waking moment pondering this exact interaction, but I have become more aware of the things I am afraid of – and how many of them there actually are. I don’t know if it will be helpful to talk through them, but I doubt it could hurt – so here we go.
I am afraid of just about everything. Which explains the recent anxiety, the hermit nature I have, my lack of friends, and my love of journaling. I am terrified (there I go again) of germs. I avoid humans between the ages of 5 & 14 at all costs. I’m pretty sure we aren’t bodies in that age range – we’re sponges. We take every cold & flu virus, we absorb it, and we share it with anyone & everyone we come into contact with. I’m the girl who wipes the cart at the grocery store with the little Lysol wipes they have, so kindly, started to provide for us. (I’m not the reason they now offer them, but I wish I was). I’m the girl who keeps baby wipes in her car to clean her hands after using a gas pump. Who wipes her cell phone nightly with a Clorox wipe, and washes plastic silverware before using it. Pathetic? Maybe. True? Yes.
I’m also afraid of the dark. Petrified. Not so much being in the dark, I like things chill & cozy, but mainly when it’s dark outside. Basically once the sun goes down, any & every thing scares me. People pulling into the parking lot, creaky doors, the furnace kicking on, the buzz of my dryer (although, that startles me during the day too – it’s loud), my cat sitting up & looking in an odd direction, a knock at the door, the wind. Literally everything. I don’t think it’s healthy to be this paranoid at night, seeing that 1/2 of my life will take place after the sun has gone down. But, what’re you gonna do? I can’t change it now – believe me, I’ve tried.
I’m also scared of death. Sometimes I get into this train of thought where I realize I’m going to die. And not just, oh shoot – one day when I’m a hundred and fourteen I’m going to drift off to sleep and wake up in Heaven. I mean, sometimes I realize that one day I am not going to be here anymore. I’m not going to get out of bed. I’m not going to drive to the store. I’m not going to eat 3 pieces of chocolate cake & wish I hadn’t. I’m going to be dead. And some of the people I love are going to have to put me in a box, or an urn, and say goodbye to me. And their lives are going to continue on. It blows my mind. And maybe the fact that I don’t go to Church makes this harder to think about, (It almost makes me want to go to Church … almost) but that’s beside the point. The point is one day I’m going to die, and that terrifies me half to death already.
I’m also afraid that I will never fall in love, or get married, or have babies. I’m afraid that my parents will pass away before any of those things happen, and then I won’t even want to do them anymore. I’m afraid that I will get a ticket for texting & driving, speeding, or that someone in a fake cop-car will pull me over & kidnap me. I’m afraid every plane I board might be taken over by terrorists. I’m afraid I’ll get sick every single time I travel, no matter where I’m going. I’m afraid my cats asthma will kill him at a young age. That I will make a detrimental error at work & get fired. & that the raw chicken I buy to bake is rotten – every single week. I’m afraid of food poisoning every time I eat something I didn’t cook myself. I’m afraid my friends are married to the wrong people, that my insecurities will (also) force me to settle, & that maybe I put too much emphasis on how things look instead of how they feel. I’m afraid of face-planting on the box jumps at the gym, but don’t worry – I still do them.
I could probably go on this way forever, but that is enough for tonight because at this point, I’m not sure I feel any better (haha). But I am confident in saying that you might. Anything you’re worried about has probably crossed my mind today, or yesterday, or will tomorrow. I promise you’re not alone.
I’m even afraid to post this.