She said it.

She said, “The more you learn about human behavior and relationships, the less you know. It’s crazy. Besides, certain people make you want to be free spirited and others make you want to settle down. You just can never say for sure.”

And she was so right.

It’s true, don’t you think? That certain people make you want to fall in love & have babies & build a house; and other people make you want to wander around downtown drunk on a Tuesday, maybe without pants on. I think so.

I used to think there was one path for me. One perfect reality: Get married to the man I was Fated to meet; build a house or remodel one; have a daughter (maybe 2); make a lot of money; drive a car with leather interior (check!); spoil a golden lab. And then, I started to grow up and I realized that that was a really, really far fetched idea. It’s the American Dream, yes, but not the American reality. Any of you reading this who have a husband, a home & a daughter – lay down tonight and when your head hits the pillow smile, for me.

Anyway, I still want this, and I like to think it’ll happen for me – but things have also changed. I no longer think there is one boy out there Fated to swoop in & save me. No Soul Mates. No Destiny. I don’t buy it. Instead, I think that I will make it work with a wonderful man who comes along at the right time, in the right place. There are billions of people on Earth – and no, that isn’t an exaggeration. There are literally billions of us. To believe there is only one other person on this Earth that I could fall happily in love with is insane! (Well, given how difficult I am, maybe not LOL). There are probably hundreds of people out there that would be a great fit for me, and I for them.  But I’m not into polygamy, so I won’t end up with all of them. I’ll end up with one of them.

I think…

That’s where her advice comes in. Maybe I won’t end up with anyone. Maybe the people I’ve been talking to lately who think that monogamy isn’t realistic are the right ones. Maybe they’re onto something. Maybe it is impossible to be committed & happy. Maybe Carrie Bradshaw was right – that our girlfriends are our soul mates, and guys are just people to have fun with. Some days, I feel it. I really do.

I worry that I will settle down with (not to be confused with settle for) the wrong person. That I will wake up one day, go to Trader Joe’s and run into someone I am more attracted to than the man at home holding my daughter. That I’ll board a plane, and share an undeniable connection with a man who’s already married to someone else. I want a family, and a baby, and a home SO bad; at the same time, I worry it wouldn’t make me happy. I don’t know that I would be happy living with the same choice I made in my twenties for all of eternity (hence the reason I don’t have any tattoos). But I want to.

Maybe that’s why married people tend to flock to other married people. And the drifters hang with other drifters. Maybe that’s why we lose our friends to their relationships. Maybe we aren’t strong enough to witness the other option up close & personal – and not want to chase it ourselves.

Maybe he’ll be good for me, and I’ll get everything I’ve always wanted, and I’ll shut out the people who don’t make me feel like it’s the right thing to do; the smart thing – even though it hurts. Maybe I’ll become everything I have hated for the last year and a half – someone so wrapped up in my own fairytale I forget the existence of anyone & everyone else around me. Or, maybe I’ll scare myself out of happiness – once again – and stick to my Single AF guns; stick to hot tubs, and back rubs, and sleeping alone.
I hope not – I think.

But the sweet reality is – the choice will always be mine to make.

.xo.

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