I feel like I’m in a rut.
Not a deep one, because not every single day has been trying. But a shallow treacherous one, none the less. And frankly, I’m fed up with it. I’m fed up with feeling sick. Fed up with keeping the “I’m not crazy, just interested” facade. Which includes: timing my replies to boys texts messages, not “catching” feelings (as if they’re a damn disease), not holding hands. Fed up with not having my car. Fed up with always getting the short end of the stick. Fed up with people dying.
Welcome to my pity party.
My dad has always told me “No one ever said life was going to be fair.” It’s his way of making me feel better about shitty things. He has said it to me so many times, you’d think it would have sunk (sunken?) in by now. You’d think I would be completely aware that life’s not fair. That things are going to happen to me that don’t make any sense. That you can’t have everything.
But here I am. 27 years old. Still surprised when things aren’t fair in the world. The real world, the work world, the world of love. Someone gets 5 chicken nuggets & I get 4. Some people get to work from the comfort of their home, and I have to be at my desk. Some people fall in love & I can’t get a text back. Some people fly on private jets, and the Boeing I’m waiting on gets delayed. I cannot put on a single pound, and other girls can’t button their pants.
Something happens pretty much every day that puts me in a (momentary) bad mood. And I’m tired of succumbing to these little moments of misery. So I am going to try to lay it all out there & then leave it behind me. Try.
It snowed where I live yesterday (swoon), so the roads were pretty icy this morning. Some people made it into work (soldiers, I call us), some people stumbled in a little late, and some people didn’t come in at all. The people who didn’t come in got “to work” from the comfort of their homes, without having to use any PTO from their leave banks. I had to put on a scarf, and a pair of boots & drive 6MPH to work in the 14 degree weather over the ice-coated roads. Why? Because I don’t have a work issued laptop. I don’t have the option to stay home when its more convenient. I’m not sick, so I wasn’t OK with using unplanned PTO. So, I showed up – like the adult that I am. I don’t see how it is fair that I’m here working my behind off, and others are at home drinking cocoa, in their jammies, answering occasional emails. And I know, some people at my company work remote daily – which I’m sure would be the argument I would get if I brought the subject up to anyone in a leadership position. But those people were hired to work from home. The rest of us weren’t. And some of us shouldn’t be allowed to.
It’s not fair that my Grandma & my Uncle have both passed away the last 2 consecutive Friday’s. That my cat threw up on my bed at lunch 2 days ago. That my brother didn’t call me on Christmas. That people drink coffee all day, and I get the jitters after 1 cup. It’s not fair.
Clearly, there is not a shortage of things in life that I could point out as not being fair. And I want to go on – But, the truth of the matter is, fixating on these things doesn’t help. Comparing the life I have with the lives other people lead, or the life I imagined for myself are two roads that lead to the same shitty neighborhood: disappointment.
My Dad is right. He’s always been right: nobody ever said life was going to be fair.
And the sooner I realize that, the happier I will be.
There’s an old quote I like. It says: The only time you look in your neighbor’s bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don’t look in your neighbor’s bowl to see if you have as much as them.
& another that reads: If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
I guess I don’t have it so bad, y’know?
Channeling quotes such as these…..NOW.