“I wish I was.”

This has always been a favorite photo of mine that I came across online:

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I don’t know who wrote it, but I wish I did. I wish I could give them a really big hug to say thank you. Thank you for saying what everyone else has thought at one point or another. Thank you for making unrequited love as beautiful, and as meaningful, as reciprocated love.

The song “I Wish I Was” by Maren Morris carries the same idea. She says: you’re lookin’ for true love, and I’m not the one – but I wish, but I wish I was.
On repeat today, fa sho. 

I think that this is one of the hardest pieces of life to deal with, and consequently the most commonly ignored. Frankly, I don’t know how either of these individuals made it seem quaint, and common – as opposed to heart wrenching & terrifying. But I’m grateful that they did.

Intuition is a very real thing, if you ask me. I think that on some level, we all know when things are going right, and when they don’t fit. Sure, there are moments of confusion when we truly don’t know which choice to make. But, for the most part, I think that we all know what we should do most of the time. Which choice would make us the most happy. We know when we’re sitting next to someone, if we could sit next to this person for the rest of our lives, or not. Despite how perfect we look on the outside. We know which boys are busy when they aren’t texting back and which boys aren’t interested. Despite what they claim, and what we hope for. We know when we’re falling in love with the “just sex” friend. Despite how many times we say we are most definitely not.
We all know the truth about things based on how we feel about them.

Why are we so scared to admit that?
Why are we so afraid to let our feelings about something be enough?

Why are we scared to break up with someone we’ve been with for 2 years, or 10, or 25 when we’re unhappy? Why are we scared to admit that we’ve found the wrong guy, or he’s found the wrong girl? Why are we scared to admit when things aren’t going as right as we hoped they would? It’s like we don’t want to put negative juju out in the world just in case by the grace of God, things magically take a 180 and end up perfect again after all. Newsflash: 99% of the time, they don’t! It’s like we don’t want to admit that we were wrong – because pride. Unfortunately, you probably haven’t misread all of the signals. You probably aren’t “in a rut.” You probably are falling out of love (because people change), or forcing it (because you’re 27 & people are starting to wonder whats wrong with you), or are catching feelings (because spending time with someone you like does that).

I wish that everyone would be more open to admitting honest truths about love & relationships. More open to saying when they just aren’t happy anymore. To walking away.  To admitting when we really do want a relationship. That she’s coming on too strong. That he’s being too hesitant. I wish that love wasn’t full of so many any games. That we didn’t have to post photos smiling next to her & the Christmas tree, so other people think we’re still happy. That we didn’t have to sleep with him, in case that’s where the spark is hiding – in intimacy. That we didn’t have to time our texts to someone based on the length of their last reply. That we could just look at each other & say you’re it. Or you’re not. Or, you’re not, but I wish you were. Or anything besides all of the god damned lies we tell ourselves now.

Love is exhausting.

.xo.

Why no, I don’t think about anything besides love. At all. Ever.

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11 thoughts on ““I wish I was.”

  1. I know that the point of this post wasn’t necessarily the image you included. But I wish I had a nickel for every excerpt I had from books I’ve never written. I could probably fill a blog post with them. Maybe I will.

    As for unrequited love… Being single at 36, I probably have more to say on the subject than I have a right to. There have been times when that feeling has simultaneously been fantastic and horrible all at the same time. Right up until the part where I realize that I’m never gonna be that guy for her. Then it just sucks.

    Like

    1. Yes! Yes you should fill a blog with excerpts from books you’ve never written. I want to read them!
      It’s hard when you realize you aren’t the right person for someone, or they aren’t the right person for you. But, I think, it’s harder when you can’t admit that truth to yourself. Be proud you have the audacity to admit when things suck! I’m proud of you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll start compiling them. Honestly, a lot of things have come to mind in the past and I’d think, “Man, that would be an amazing sentence in some kind of story that I could never write because people I know would read it and they’d know I was subtly writing about them.” And then I forget whatever that awesome thing was.Recently, I’ve made a point to write down the little things I think are clever, even if it hits me in the middle of the night and even if I think it’ll just be good enough for a tweet or a Facebook status. You just never know when genius will strike. Not that any of my tweets are genius.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have so many word fragments saved in the notepad of my phone LOL. And jotted down in my journals. Or on post its.
        I feel you on the writing about people bit. I fear who I’m writing about will find my blogs sometimes. And then I remember this: You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.

        Liked by 1 person

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