I have always used writing as my outlet.
I can remember journaling at around 10 or 11 years old. I would sit at the little white desk (with mirror vanity) in my childhood bedroom that my dad sanded & painted for me, by hand. I love my Dad. I would write about everything. My day, sports, the boys I was into – yes even at 10 or 11 – and how upset I was at my parents LOL. I used to write things like “I told my mom I hated her today, but if you’re reading this mom, I don’t hate you. I was just really mad.” Ugh, so pathetic! I still write to people in my journals sometimes, in case I die. I mean, someone will find them & relay my messages. Right? They aren’t in a creaky floor board hidden under my bed or anything, this isn’t Pretty Little Liars. They’re just on a shelf.
Anyway, I’m off topic – the point is, I use my writing to help me understand things. To accept them. and move on. When I was in college, I had a lot of understanding, accepting & moving on to do, so I used to write often. I’m going to pull some of the things I wrote back then out of the archives & post them here. I think they would be kind of neat to share.
Vol. 1 – Adele
She said “never mind, I’ll find someone like you..” and I sang along. For weeks. I belted it out and I thought I agreed with her. I thought nobody on the planet would ever be able to better phrase what I was experiencing beneath the surface; what I was trying so hard to compose in my mind. Until I got behind the wheel at 8:30 that Monday night. As I hit 67 MPH on Highway 99 I realized something. Finding someone like him is the furthest thing from what I need to do. Whoever he is, or was, obviously wasn’t right. The wrong piece never fits, or so they say. And he left – gone, in the past, moving along – so why would I ever want to find somebody like him again?
I think that instead of holding onto our so obviously incorrect past, instead of justifying the relationshits we’ve wasted countless days and nights mending, instead of trying to find pieces that fit the molds we’ve been pursuing, we need to be open to finding something totally different. Something far from the ordinary. Far from what we’re used to.
If you want to see the glass half full, we can acknowledge that maybe those people in our past, who we “failed” to love, weren’t really failures after all. Maybe we did, and in some cases still do, love them.
Maybe it’s OK to love people differently. Maybe different doesn’t always mean wrong, despite what we’re taught. Maybe loving someone doesn’t mean you have to mate & be together forever. Maybe sometimes loving someone simply means you have to be friends.
Regardless, I’ve heard this line scattered around: “real love doesn’t hurt.” And I’ve always countered the opinion because I’d been in love, and it did hurt. It sure as shit wasn’t all rainbows & butterflies. It was (and often) broken trust, lust, fear, hesitance, and a ton more negative energies. I convinced myself that this quote had it all wrong, that sometimes love must hurt, because I didn’t want to admit I was wrong in thinking that I was in love. Nobody is good at admitting their faults, and when they involve something we’re so deeply rooted & believe in (like love) its an even tougher thing to do.
But, now that I’ve found my balls & myself, I’m going to do just that. I’m going to admit that maybe I was wrong in glorifying the shit I was enduring in hopes of fabricating my own happy ending. I’m going to take this time to convince myself that despite what I’ve thought in the past, I don’t want to find someone like you. I don’t want to settle for someone with whom I must fight continuously in exchange for the few good times we share. I don’t want someone that puts my feelings second. Or someone who only sees me in the confinement of his home, or mine, when no one else is around. I want to believe that real love doesn’t hurt. That when you know, you know. That I will find someone unlike you. And most importantly, that although we’ve been taught nothing ever is – somehow, it’s going to be perfect.
*Young naive Myka had a few good points, I think.