From the Archives. (Vol. 1)

I have always used writing as my outlet.
I can remember journaling at around 10 or 11 years old. I would sit at the little white desk (with mirror vanity) in my childhood bedroom that my dad sanded & painted for me, by hand. I love my Dad. I would write about everything. My day, sports, the boys I was into – yes even at 10 or 11 – and how upset I was at my parents LOL. I used to write things like “I told my mom I hated her today, but if you’re reading this mom, I don’t hate you. I was just really mad.” Ugh, so pathetic! I still write to people in my journals sometimes, in case I die. I mean, someone will find them & relay my messages. Right? They aren’t in a creaky floor board hidden under my bed or anything, this isn’t Pretty Little Liars. They’re just on a shelf.
Anyway, I’m off topic – the point is, I use my writing to help me understand things. To accept them. and move on. When I was in college, I had a lot of understanding, accepting & moving on to do, so I used to write often. I’m going to pull some of the things I wrote back then out of the archives & post them here. I think they would be kind of neat to share.

Vol. 1 – Adele

She said “never mind, I’ll find someone like you..” and I sang along. For weeks. I belted it out and I thought I agreed with her. I thought nobody on the planet would ever be able to better phrase what I was experiencing beneath the surface; what I was trying so hard to compose in my mind. Until I got behind the wheel at 8:30 that Monday night. As I hit 67 MPH on Highway 99 I realized something. Finding someone like him is the furthest thing from what I need to do. Whoever he is, or was, obviously wasn’t right. The wrong piece never fits, or so they say. And he left – gone, in the past, moving along – so why would I ever want to find somebody like him again?

I think that instead of holding onto our so obviously incorrect past, instead of justifying the relationshits we’ve wasted countless days and nights mending, instead of trying to find pieces that fit the molds we’ve been pursuing, we need to be open to finding something totally different. Something far from the ordinary. Far from what we’re used to.

If you want to see the glass half full, we can acknowledge that maybe those people in our past, who we “failed” to love, weren’t really failures after all. Maybe we did, and in some cases still do, love them.
Maybe it’s OK to love people differently. Maybe different doesn’t always mean wrong, despite what we’re taught. Maybe loving someone doesn’t mean you have to mate & be together forever. Maybe sometimes loving someone simply means you have to be friends.

Regardless, I’ve heard this line scattered around: “real love doesn’t hurt.” And I’ve always countered the opinion because I’d been in love, and it did hurt. It sure as shit wasn’t all rainbows & butterflies. It was (and often) broken trust, lust, fear, hesitance, and a ton more negative energies. I convinced myself that this quote had it all wrong, that sometimes love must hurt, because I didn’t want to admit I was wrong in thinking that I was in love. Nobody is good at admitting their faults, and when they involve something we’re so deeply rooted & believe in (like love) its an even tougher thing to do.

But, now that I’ve found my balls & myself, I’m going to do just that. I’m going to admit that maybe I was wrong in glorifying the shit I was enduring in hopes of fabricating my own happy ending. I’m going to take this time to convince myself that despite what I’ve thought in the past, I don’t want to find someone like you. I don’t want to settle for someone with whom I must fight continuously in exchange for the few good times we share. I don’t want someone that puts my feelings second. Or someone who only sees me in the confinement of his home, or mine, when no one else is around. I want to believe that real love doesn’t hurt. That when you know, you know. That I will find someone unlike you. And most importantly, that although we’ve been taught nothing ever is – somehow, it’s going to be perfect.

*Young naive Myka had a few good points, I think.

.xo.

 

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5 thoughts on “From the Archives. (Vol. 1)

  1. I had a couple of thoughts while reading this. But they’re the kind of thoughts that I’m pretty sure would turn into a rambling mess if I allowed myself to actually write them out. So I’ll forego that and just agree that Past Myka had some good points there. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not sure if that means you asked for my opinion… but here goes.

        First, my mind followed a rabbit hole just thinking about the song. Why do so many people sing about finding someone like their ex? Beyonce does it, too. “I can have another you in a minute…” Why would you want another of that guy if you’ve just spent so much time throwing all his crap into a box to the left?

        Next, I started thinking about the “real love doesn’t hurt” quote. If I’m reading what you wrote wrong, correct me, but it sounds like you don’t fully believe that. I definitely don’t. Sure, it’s beautifully optimistic to believe that real love wouldn’t hurt, but life is full of pain. That’s how we learn. It’s how we grow. If everything was perfect between two people in a relationship, to me, that would be boring? Where’s the challenge? Isn’t that relationship just stagnant? Maybe I just don’t know. I mean, this is all coming from a guy who’s never had a serious relationship in his life. But I’ve had my heart broken by friends, family… people I’ve cared deeply for. “You always hurt the ones you love.” Not sure the origin of that one, but loving someone just makes it easier for them to hurt you, because you’ve decided to trust that person… you’ve chosen to open up and make yourself vulnerable. I’d like to think that, if I ever choose to find a woman that I can love like that, it’ll hurt like hell at one point or another. Not because either of us necessarily intend to hurt the other (I hope), but because we’ll both be imperfect and make mistakes where each others feelings are concerned.

        Ugh… that sounds stupid. How about we just go with a line from The Princess Bride: “Life is pain. Anyone who says different is selling something.”

        Like

      2. Yes, it meant to elaborate. LOL. So I am glad that you did.

        I don’t understand why everyone wants someone like their ex, either. I think what they really mean is, I’ll find someone who makes me feel the way you did again, y’know?

        In the beginning I disagreed with the “real love doesn’t hurt.” But the more I thought about it, and the further I wrote, I realized I deserved someone who didn’t hurt me. I think you hit something on the head when you said “not because either of us necessarily intend to hurt the other” – intent is very important. But at the same time, I truly believe if you love someone enough to marry them & have their babies, you should never hurt them – intentionally or accidentally. Upset them, yes. Frustrate them, of course. But I don’t think, in the right relationship, either person should ever feel hurt.

        Maybe that’s why I’m single. #StandardsTooHigh

        Liked by 1 person

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