Sometimes I sit down to spill my heart across this screen, and I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know how. I don’t know if it’s too much. Too crazy, too clingy, too creepy. Too disorganized. Too irrational. Messy.
Tonight is one of those nights.
I have been listening to alternative/acoustic music all day and it’s hitting me right in the feels. I don’t know how writers take what I am feeling, and set it to the perfect melody. I am in shambles over it. Literally feel like James Bay wrote his new song for me. I know he didn’t because the song was out long before I realized it pertained to my life. I wish I had the courage to write the way they do, and make it cute & relatable instead of incredibly awkward. Like Taylor Swift. Some of the songs she writes are borderline stalker status, yet we alllll sing along & relate. Take Enchanted, for example. She meets a boy, goes home & dances around all night, wondering if he’s single, or taken. The whole night is flawless, and sparkling, because she met him. She’s wishing he would come knock on her door. What? Man. If I told any of my friends that I met a boy a few hours ago, and I was at home pining away for him to show up at my door – they’d call the authorities. & rightfully so. But when it’s in a song, we all love the idea, and sing along. Loudly, too, I might add.
I don’t even know what I want to say, really. Truthfully, one of her songs would probably do it better. But then they wouldn’t be my words, and I’d feel like a cheat. And not any lighter. Which is the whole point of this, right? To leave a little bit behind so I don’t have to carry it around with me anymore? I like think so.
Do you ever meet someone and wonder what the heck you did before you knew them? Who occupied the empty space in your mind? (if your work day affords you any). Who did you want to tell your good news to? And your bad news? Any news at all, really. Who did you look forward to talking to? Hope to see, by some grace of God? Who gave you the awkward giggles in the car? Who made you smile to yourself while walking down the sidewalk? Even after you face planted on the concrete. Who did you want to notice your body? Compliment your words? Who did all of the songs on your favorite playlist remind you of? There had to be somebody. Somebody else just days ago. Maybe even hours ago. But right now, there’s just him.
His words. His workouts. His dreams. His smile. His fears. His favorite colors, and foods, and places to be. His favorite drink. His favorite pillow, and way to sleep. His vision of the future. and if he sees you in it.
Maybe I’m the only person on Earth who incessantly contemplates all of these things. Maybe most other people find a way to worry & wonder about themselves. Their dreams, their words, their desires.
Regardless, I’m not other people.
& right now, for me, there’s mostly you.