I give up?

Shipwreck? more like Emotional Wreck.
oh hi. Climb onboard.

When I got out of bed this morning, Zero didn’t get up. That should have been sign number one that today would turn out odd. He always gets up with me. He has his medicine, then his breakfast, while I have my (decaf) coffee, breakfast, and a little dance party. But not today. He stayed in bed.


oh, look at him! 

I try to give up on signs, because I see them everywhere – even when they don’t exist. I have a tendency to stretch things out until they resemble Fate.
But this morning, I should have paid attention.

The day was good, for the most part. I got my car back from the dealership yesterday – fixed, woo hoo – so I was able to drive it to work. Driving my car always puts a huge grin on my face. It’s so clean & smells so nice. Can I swoon at my own possession? #Swoon
I had another incredibly busy day at work. I don’t understand what is going on, but I love it. The first time I look up at the clock, it is somehow between 11AM-1230PM. How the first 3-4 hours of work fly by is beyond me. Today is Tuesday, so that is rest day for me at the gym, but since the work day was chaotic, and my hair was dirty, I decided to go anyway. I needed an outlet. I worked on my deadlift form, did a little hanging ab bit, and then some lunges/step ups for my butt – because why not? Doesn’t sound too bad, right? What is all of this “sign” and fuss about?

My emotions.
How did The God Damned Bachelor get me again? I didn’t think it would happen this season. Corinne has been such a bitch, I could hardly stand her presence on my television screen. Nick has been so nonchalant, I truly thought he’d send every single girl home & waste all of their time – and mine. But tonight, man, they really got me. Not to spoil it for anyone who’s watching – but Nick sent some girls home that I wasn’t expecting. And, all of the girls who are left, really seem invested. They seem genuinely into him, or into the idea of love at least. I will be the first one to bash The Bachelor. I think it’s incredibly unlikely that one man/woman will find true, real, lasting love with 1 of 30 contestants selected by other people. However, with that said, given the seclusion they all have with each other, for weeks, I think it is very easy to become attached to whoever is the bachelor/bachelorette. I think that all of these girls are falling in love with pieces of Nick, and the idea that it is finally their turn. Their turn for true love. Their turn for a fairytale. They all feel like they deserve it. Like they’ve earned it. We all feel this way as women the older we get, #SorryNotSorry

But, since he can only choose one, for 29 of them – it isn’t going to end well.
I feel that.
I feel it in my tense facial expression. I feel it in my gut. I feel it in my tight chest. I feel so bad for these girls who put themselves out there. Hoping they find their fairytale. Hoping, somehow, they fall in love. They’re all beautiful. They all know how to have fun. They’re all daughters, sisters, and friends. And most of them get rejected. Crushed. Sent home, alone. Back to the drawing board.
Yet they do it on national tv, oof! 

After the show ended tonight, I felt drained. I had tears in my eyes, and a weight on my shoulders. I turned iTunes on the AppleTv,  and I layed on the couch in the dark. I let 4 songs play, and truthfully, I’m not sure what I even thought about while they were droning on. There were so many emotions & ideas running around in my head, I must’ve looked loopy.
I thought about the girls on this show, and how sad they must be. I thought about how scary it must be to not know whats coming next out of the man you’re falling in love with, and how they all somehow find a bond with each other, the closer they get to being the chosen one. There’s something to be said about these girls. As catty as they are in the beginning, when emotions get real – they turn to each other, instead of against each other. I wish girls could act this way all of the time. and Nick, he cries! Say what you will about him being 36 & still searching for love on TV – I’ve said a few choice things about him myself – but at least he’s still out there looking. Him and all of the women on this show, are out there looking. And what am I doing? 9:52PM on Valentines Day and I’m sitting alone in the dark on the couch writing to all of you, who don’t even know me, about how emotional I am over a television show involving people I don’t even know.
Because it’s relatable. Because it’s a universal desire. Because all any of us really want is to be everything to someone else. Someone to see how great we truly are. Put in a little effort. Miss us when we aren’t around. Slap us on the ass. Kiss our forehead. Stand with their hands in our pockets.

Hats off to Nick, and all of the girls on The Bachelor, and everyone else in the world trying to find love tonight. Real, genuine, deep rooted, save-me-the-last-bite-of-cake love.

I honestly don’t know that I have the courage to do it anymore.



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