Behind the Curve.

I was working out the other night and something dawned on me. Besides work, that’s pretty much all I do. My life consists of working, working overtime, working out, forcing myself to eat, snacking, listening to the same 12-15 songs on repeat, occasionally petting Zero on the head, and working some more. More so recently than ever before, I have been feeling emotionally exhausted. I have been so busy at work, it’s almost comical. I broke down into tears last week, and there have been 2 occasions this week where tears welled in my eyes as I sat in my cube staring at the screen in front of me, the ringing telephone, & the IM’s about customers arriving unexpectedly downstairs.  I am an emotional cryer, apparently. Cry when I’m happy. Cry when I’m sad. Cry when I’m overwhelmed, frustrated or embarrassed. I leak tears out of my eye sockets at the damn drop of a hat anymore – if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was pregnant. But I should probably get checked for a hormone imbalance. 

Anyway – what I realized is that I don’t really have much going for me right now that is outside of myself. Which, on some days, feels really great. I pay my own rent, I make my own meals, I plan my days around only one schedule: MINE. I visit who I want, I listen to what I want, I drive where I want. I even get to do the workouts I want, because I can’t even commit to a gym buddy. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. But, at the same time, I feel like being so self involved is putting me behind the curve. I’m 27. I’m not 19 anymore, or even 21, or 24. I’m twenty-seven years old. My friends have pretty much all had a wedding & a child by now. or both and a divorce. & a part of me feels like I’m missing out. Like I’m failing. I feel like I should be further along than I am. That even if I’m not close to marriage, I should at least be in the right pond with the other fish who want to settle down, eventually. But I’m not. I’m too stubborn & proud to try online dating. And I don’t just mean POF, or Match. I won’t even try Tinder or Bumble. I’m too much of a believer in real life romance to succumb to those nonsenses. And I don’t leave the house too often to venture anywhere besides the necessary locations: work, gym, grocery store, mall (occasionally). I need to get out more, in order to meet someone & develop the life I want, but it’s 100x easier said than done.

Maybe I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Maybe fate knows I’m not ready for a baby yet, so it’s delayed my boyfriend-engagemnt-wedding from showing up too soon – y’know, when I’m not ready. Maybe sitting in my underwear at 8:24PM on a Wednesday writing this blog is the healthiest thing for me to be doing right now. Maybe I need a little more time to learn to love myself. But, I can’t help but think sometimes that it’s not where I’m supposed to be. That I dismissed my real chances at love & happiness because I was jealous, and needy, and pushed the right one away already. That I really am headed toward 6 cats & a 1 bedroom apartment – like all of the Memes my friends tag me in joke about. I feel like shit when I re-realize, over & over, that all of my friends are home cuddling their brand new babies, or their husbands, or both. Or are making 6 figures. or are traveling the world. While I sit here searching for the patience to paint my fingernails.

But I think I might have a date on Friday, maybe – so stay tuned.

.xo.

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5 thoughts on “Behind the Curve.

  1. For what it’s worth, I’ve never had the patience to paint my fingernails either.
    Oh, and (enter cliche here about how everyone’s life moves at a different pace).

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      1. I’d argue two things: 1) It’s not everyone. It just feels like everyone because the one’s who have things to show off, do it more than those who don’t. 2) Just because they’re “ahead” doesn’t mean they’re happier.
        Now I have to tell myself the same advice.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have a friend who describes herself like if she hits a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, no matter the emotion, she’s in tears. For me, I have to hit a 12 more often than not. And then there are days when a song will make it happen. Unfortunate since I’m usually driving while listening to music.

    I go through that introspective, “am I behind everyone else” thought process occasionally. But it’s because I’m about to be 37 and unmarried with no kids. While literally all the friends I went to college with are married with kids by now. A handful on their second marriages. I’ve resigned myself to just be that weird bachelor that all my friends’ kids call “Uncle Aaron.”

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  3. I am an emotional cryer too. And literally I have all these same thought! But I just think, there is a time for everything. And right now- isn’t the time for us, but when it is, it will be so great!!

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