I was working out the other night and something dawned on me. Besides work, that’s pretty much all I do. My life consists of working, working overtime, working out, forcing myself to eat, snacking, listening to the same 12-15 songs on repeat, occasionally petting Zero on the head, and working some more. More so recently than ever before, I have been feeling emotionally exhausted. I have been so busy at work, it’s almost comical. I broke down into tears last week, and there have been 2 occasions this week where tears welled in my eyes as I sat in my cube staring at the screen in front of me, the ringing telephone, & the IM’s about customers arriving unexpectedly downstairs. I am an emotional cryer, apparently. Cry when I’m happy. Cry when I’m sad. Cry when I’m overwhelmed, frustrated or embarrassed. I leak tears out of my eye sockets at the damn drop of a hat anymore – if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was pregnant. But I should probably get checked for a hormone imbalance.
Anyway – what I realized is that I don’t really have much going for me right now that is outside of myself. Which, on some days, feels really great. I pay my own rent, I make my own meals, I plan my days around only one schedule: MINE. I visit who I want, I listen to what I want, I drive where I want. I even get to do the workouts I want, because I can’t even commit to a gym buddy. I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T. But, at the same time, I feel like being so self involved is putting me behind the curve. I’m 27. I’m not 19 anymore, or even 21, or 24. I’m twenty-seven years old. My friends have pretty much all had a wedding & a child by now. or both and a divorce. & a part of me feels like I’m missing out. Like I’m failing. I feel like I should be further along than I am. That even if I’m not close to marriage, I should at least be in the right pond with the other fish who want to settle down, eventually. But I’m not. I’m too stubborn & proud to try online dating. And I don’t just mean POF, or Match. I won’t even try Tinder or Bumble. I’m too much of a believer in real life romance to succumb to those nonsenses. And I don’t leave the house too often to venture anywhere besides the necessary locations: work, gym, grocery store, mall (occasionally). I need to get out more, in order to meet someone & develop the life I want, but it’s 100x easier said than done.
Maybe I’m right where I’m supposed to be. Maybe fate knows I’m not ready for a baby yet, so it’s delayed my boyfriend-engagemnt-wedding from showing up too soon – y’know, when I’m not ready. Maybe sitting in my underwear at 8:24PM on a Wednesday writing this blog is the healthiest thing for me to be doing right now. Maybe I need a little more time to learn to love myself. But, I can’t help but think sometimes that it’s not where I’m supposed to be. That I dismissed my real chances at love & happiness because I was jealous, and needy, and pushed the right one away already. That I really am headed toward 6 cats & a 1 bedroom apartment – like all of the Memes my friends tag me in joke about. I feel like shit when I re-realize, over & over, that all of my friends are home cuddling their brand new babies, or their husbands, or both. Or are making 6 figures. or are traveling the world. While I sit here searching for the patience to paint my fingernails.
But I think I might have a date on Friday, maybe – so stay tuned.