Neurosis: excessive and irrational anxiety or obsession.
There I am – in word form. If anyone ever asks me what my name means, I am half tempted to rattle of the above definition.
Am I the only person that lives this way? Some days I feel like I am. I am so obsessive & irrationally anxious, I am not sure how I haven’t spontaneously combusted yet. Honest to God.
I was talking to my coworker yesterday (the one with all of the good advice) and she said:
“Just go in neutral. Don’t start talking yourself out of it or forcing yourself to think of a bunch of reasons that he’s perfect for you. Approach it with no expectations.”
Wow. What a concept. Neutrality. Approaching every situation as it is – not as what it could be, or should be, or might be in 10 years. That’s a beautiful idea – on paper. In reality, that is never going to be my life. I truly don’t think I will ever be able to live in the now. I desperately want to. I know it would be much healthier for me (and everyone around me) – physically & mentally. It will make me much less stressed, I would probably eat more food, and get more nights of sound sleep. But I wouldn’t be myself anymore. The only Myka that I know is neurotic. as. fuh.
I have always known that I put my all into pretty much any situation I encounter:
I wanted a MAC Book. I didn’t stop thinking about it until I got one. I Google searched them every day. I fawned over the color choices, and screen size. I weighed the cost against my budget. Literally any free moment I had went toward this new fixation.
I meet a boy. I change my playlists to remind me of him. I wonder about his family, and how he would propose to me one day down the road. I make mental notes about his favorite snacks, and the movies he likes. I make a list of the qualities he has that would make him a good life partner.
I meet a boy. I contemplate everything wrong with him. Too short, too tall, too round, too thin. Hunts, is allergic to cats. Lives 3 hours away, lives in the same neighborhood.
I decide I need a raise at work. I compare my workload to every single person around me. I watch what they do to see if it is as much as me, and then I figure out what they’re making & I get frustrated with where I’m at. I take mental notes about the things that I handle. I calculate how much time I have worked without compensation.
No wonder I am exhausted. and single.
This is a horrible way to live! It’s exhausting, it’s obsessive, its – well, it’s neurotic.
and it’s my life.
I hope that realizing how crazy this is will help me get past it. I hope that I am more able to function like a normal human being. That I am able to look forward to things with hope & optimism, without dumping a ridiculous amount of energy into them. That I am able to let things be what they are, instead of letting what they could have been destroy me.
I wish myself neutrality, over neurosis. And I wish you the same.