I think out of allll the inhibiting things in life, I am the biggest cock block to myself. Which is saying a lot considering I have 4 older brothers. It’s sad, really, when I stop to think about it. I don’t mean “cock block” in solely the traditional sense. Yes, I think I do keep myself from love (and good sex sometimes), but I also think I generally prohibit myself from being truly happy. I find a way to talk myself out of anything that I think other people may not approve of. An older man, or an ugly one. A mid-afternoon coffee. A rest day. Redecorating my room. Driving aimlessly, or sitting on the sofa. Glitter. Cupcakes. Sleeping in. I can pretty much find something wrong with everything that makes me, well, me.
I was talking to my mom on the phone earlier, because I had an off day. I needed an outlet that would respond back, but wouldn’t judge me (too harshly). She always gets called when I’m in this type of mood. I felt exhausted all day today, and I think part of it was all of the thoughts I had weighing on my mind. They were somehow literally draining me! (and the two late nights & 3 workouts I had this weekend probably were not helping). Anyway, I called her as I was walking around Target (whoops), and we talked about everything. She had some really good advice for me. I was droning on about how I am intrigued by so-and-so, but I don’t think other people will understand if I actually fell for him. And about how I was talking myself out of liking dipshit, because I know I am simply prolonging a heartbreak. and you know what she said? She said: Myka, we have so much heartbreak in our lives that we never see coming, if you enjoy something don’t think so much about how it might end.
Damn, mom. I see where I get my wisdom from.
Am I right?
She makes a good point. There are so, so, SO many things in life that blindside us. Sometimes they’re good things, or blessings disguise. But, for a brief moment, any change turns our world upside down. The truth of the matter is, most of the heart wrenching things we endure are things we never could have ever seen coming. The breakups we didn’t plan on, the deaths we didn’t expect – they hurt just as much as the ones we see coming from a million miles away. There is no fool proof plan to avoid pain; not even preparing for it. So, I think she’s right: Just because something might hurt (or damn near kill) you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Of course, if you’re miserable out of the gate, you should probably quit as soon as possible. But, the things that scare you, or that you’re unsure about – or unsure as to why you enjoy them – you should go & do them anyway. Fight through logic, sometimes. Listen to your intuition, but don’t talk yourself out of a good thing just because you’re scared it might hurt one day; or are embarrassed because other people won’t understand it. Other people need to mind their own business. Including me. I need to stop judging things based on how they look – because if I’ve learned anything – it’s that the things that look completely ridiculous usually feel the best.
“All good things must come to an end.” Who’s to say we can’t do the things that make us truly happy while we have the chance?
Mom says it’s okay, after all.