It’s after midnight. on Monday. I should be sleeping. I should be peacefully sleeping in my new bed, with my super soft blanket. and my fluffy pillows. I should be dreaming. But I’m not. I’m up. and I’m peeved. and, honestly, I don’t even know if peeved covers it.
I was supposed to write a blog last night called Love & Sunshine. But I was way. too. tired. I was going to drone on and on (and on) about the chaotic 8 hour trip home that I had, conveniently on Easter Sunday. Nope, no traffic to blame. My car broke down, yet again. This time, it wasn’t in as kind of a spot. I was in the middle of no where, smack between the town where my parents live, and my own. and my coworker (bless.her.heart) had to come to my rescue. When I finally got home, rental car in tow, I un-packed, tidied up the apartment, and hopped in the shower. I rinsed the remnants of that lousy day off with one of my favorite body washes: Love and Sunshine. There was going to be a lesson the midst of the horror about how one right can overcome so. many. wrongs.
But, what happened? Something. Because I’m not her writing in depth & detail about my recent & rough 24 hours. YOU happened. You infiltrated my life and you completely blindsided me. You took my friends. You took my sanctuary. and I know you did it on purpose.
Have you ever been blindsided? I thought I had before. But after today, I truly don’t believe that I have. I can equate it to an unsettling betrayal. A force that leaves you stunned. Completely discombobulated. and pissed.
I’ve always used my writing as a vice. It’s probably the only vice that I have. (Unless eating cupcakes is considered a vice). If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know how it goes: bad thing happens, realization hits, Myka tip-taps it out, she moves on. I’ve always been this way. If I wasn’t tip-tapping on the keyboard, I was laying it all out long hand in my journal(s). But this afternoon, I connected a few dots. A few dots I’m not sure I believe were connected coincidentally. There’s a mole among us. Someone who – I’d be willing to bet – knows more than her fair share about my life. Because she’s somehow here. A part of everything. when she shouldn’t be. I know that WordPress is a large community. and that I, by no means, am the gate keeper. But what I do know, is that there are plenty of places on & offline to exercise the Freedom of Speech this great Nation affords us. and on the same platform, among the same people, as me – is not the right place for you to do that.
I don’t know why you came here. I don’t know why you chose the title of your blog that you did. I don’t know why you drone on about your life in a similar fashion as I do. I don’t know why you think it’s OK to keep a cheating man hidden from his girlfriend. But maybe it’s Karma working diligently at a plan I am unaware of. Maybe if you knew the things about your relationship that I know, you’d feel differently. Actually, I know you would. Maybe, if you knew how much you’ve occupied my mind today, you’d be happy. Maybe that was your goal all along, to ruin the one thing I’ve always had that nobody could take from me. Maybe forcing me to give up my blog, and my obsession with words and all of my favorite friends was your plan from the jump. Or, maybe you’re as oblivious to our crossing as I was just 10 short hours ago. (doubtful).
Regardless, I can’t shake the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can’t help but wonder if every time I pour my heart out, reveal a little shattered piece of my soul, you’re secretly reading; judging; hoping I hurt. I can’t help but wonder if it’s a game the two of you play together. Can’t decide if I should ruin your life, as you’ve ruined this portion of mine – because I promise you, I can.
& I can’t decide if I want to keep at this, or if this was my sign to step away.
Ps. I bought a new car.