I was going to start this out by saying “I feel like a completely different person, lately.”
But as soon as I formulated that thought in my mind, I disliked it. I hope that I don’t ever truly feel like a completely different person. I like the person I am. I’m allowed to change & grow, which I think is a more accurate representation of what I meant. I feel different, but by no means completely.
You know what I realized today?
I realized that people always say “Life is short!” They say this when they are trying to encourage us to make a frivolous purchase, or maybe a not-so-commonly-approved decision. “Eat the cake, life is short!” “Text him first, life is short!” “Sleep in, life is short!” “Stay out late…” I’m sure you get the picture.
But these same people are the ones who also say “You’re so young! You’ve got plenty of time!”
My life is short, but I have plenty of time.
So, short enough to not worry about the calories, but way too long to think I should be formulating a healthy, lasting relationship already. ok-k-k.
Things that do not make any coherent sense for $400, Alex.
Here’s what I know.
I know that for the last 6-8 months, I have been seeing things differently. I have decided that my life is short, and I am young – but I’m by no means a guppy in life, anymore. I was having a lot of issues with the girls at work (as I mentioned). I decided that because they didn’t like me, or want to include me in things (maybe because I never wanted to join them when they used to offer, once upon time), I was having a miserable time at my job. I would come in, avoid eye contact, hope I didn’t have to fake-smile at people down the hallway. I’d sit in my corner work station and pretend it didn’t bother me that everyone else in the cube was invited to her baby shower, and her birthday party, and the morning coffee run, when I wasn’t. That while everyone else was giggling, I was drumming away at a 567 line Bill of Materials. But, I was lying. I was pretending. I was 150% bothered by the exclusion. And I realized pride is a silly, stupid, intangible thing I was letting ruin my life.
I realized that my childhood best friend was taken at 27 years old. Twenty-seven. Do you think he would be looking back on his life now, proud of the moments that he secluded himself from everyone? No. He would have wished he laughed more, and took more pictures, and cared about everyone around him a little bit more. Or, maybe he wouldn’t. But losing him made me realize that that is exactly how I would feel. If anything were to happen to me, I wouldn’t want people to remember my mood swings, or my irrational obsession with constantly being alone.
Life is short. We are young. But, I mean, is 100 really that old? 100 years isn’t very many, in the grand scheme of life. Compared to the thousands of years people have been here, and the millions they will likely be here in the future – 100 years is a drop in the bucket (as my Dad would say).
You should do the things that you want to do, even if they’re very different from what you’ve always done. You should redecorate your room. You should have a shot of tequila. And wear a face-mask at 11PM on Saturday. You should sleep in, and stay up late, and smile at people in the hallway. You shouldn’t be nosey, but you should be interested. You should keep to yourself, but not shun everybody else in the process. You should run 5Ks, and do incline-lunges for breakfast. You should cry, and anchor down on the sofa every now and then. You should try new foods, and step foot on new soil. Travel. Stay home. Sleep with people, even when you don’t have sex with them. Have sex with people. Miss someone you’ve never met. Relate to poetry, and music, and books more than reality. You should do the things, all of the things, that you feel even the slightest desire to do.
Or, at least, I should. Because this life is MY life. It’s the only one I get, and as scary as it is – I never know when it is going to end. But I do know that I don’t want to be 45, or 65, or almost 80 wishing I spent more time bitter, and angry, and stressed out. I know that for certain.
Be safe, but be happy & fearless. Life is nothing if it is not lived.