I heard a statement about relationships once. “If you carry bricks from your past relationship to your new one, you’ll only build the same house.” Or something like that. The point I took from it being: if you carry fears or doubts or struggles or issues from your past relationships around with you, you’ll be doomed to repeat the same failures you’ve already endured. If you think every man is going to cheat because you’ve been cheated on once, I’m sure you’ll act a little paranoid. OK a lot paranoid. & a little psychotic. If you think all women are liars, because someone fooled you once, I’m sure you’ll act weary anytime she confesses her feelings for you. We have to remember that each new encounter is just that, new.
But how? How do you leave behind every scar? How do you neglect everything you’ve been taught? How do you see things with a fresh perspective, and still protect yourself? “When we protect ourselves from pain, we must be sure we aren’t also protecting ourselves form happiness.” Another note worthy statement I heard somewhere before. I guess, that’s how. We must trust our gut. We must let ourselves feel everything, or fear feeling nothing at all.
The other night, I was talking to him and I was a little irritated. I heard from him on Sunday around 11AM & not again until Tuesday afternoon. When I texted him first, might I add. He sincerely apologized, telling me that he had been out of service range in the hills, and that he didn’t want to call me when he got home the night before because it was after 1AM. Boys: always call & wake her. Anyway, when we finally got a chance to talk, I told him that I wasn’t sure what was going on. I honestly went a little cray-cray; I thought maybe he was out with some other girl; banging her. Something I admitted to him, because word vomit. I was taken aback when he got upset with me for thinking that. How dare he ignore me for 3 days then get irritated when I assume the worst. Who is he anyway?! He told me that the couldn’t believe, because I didn’t hear from him, I immediately jumped to that horrible conclusion. and then he made me feel like crap for judging him, without reason. Damn him. “What have you been through to make you go to such an awful place so fast? I don’t want to have this bad rap with your friends, when I’ve given you no reason to ever think I’d do that to you.” Yikes. I felt so bad. and he was so right. It was his choice to not see other girls, until we figure out what we’re doing. He told me that he doesn’t like to talk on the phone a ton. He warned me that he was going to be out in the hills all day on Monday. and still, I let my fears get the best of me. at the expense of his reputation. & my sanity.
Truthfully, I haven’t been in any horrible relationships. I’ve been pretty lucky. A few white lies, a cheater or two when I was younger – but nothing terrible. I’ve seen bad relationships, though. I’ve heard about them, and I’ve consoled women through them, and I’ll be damned if I ever let myself get played that way. But, he’s right. Good men must exist. And he hasn’t given me any reason to believe he isn’t one of them. Yet.
I guess that’s the unchartered territory for me. The waters I don’t know how to navigate. When do you know you can trust someone? People say, the surest way to know if you can trust someone, is to trust them. That’s terrifying. and it’s accurate.
So, here I go. Against my better judgement. Against all odds.
Here. we. go.