Maybe(?)

I waited, and searched, and pondered about a boy – some boy – every single day (damn near) for the last 2 1/2 years. Pathetically, since my last relationship ended. I wondered who the boys were that managed to show up. All of them. The fuckboys, and the nice guys, and the ones I couldn’t quite figure out. I wondered where I would meet the next one & what he’d be like. I thought “never in a million years will someone show up who gets every check on the list,” despite what everyone else said. They all told me I was silly, or bitter, or jaded. and that OF COURSE someone would show up, when i wasn’t looking. And he’d be everything I’d ever wanted.

Well, they were half right.

Someone did show up, and I definitely wasn’t looking. I walked into a party that I was reluctant to even attend, because I’d had the flu just 4 days earlier. And when I have the flu, it takes me for-ev-er to recover. Mentally more than physically. I have to convince myself it’s OK to eat again. I wither away a little bit, and can’t find energy for the gym. I turn skinny as fuck, and don’t feel very cute. But that Saturday, even though I was all of those things, I was more pissed off. I was more irritated. More in my own head & in need of an outlet than embarrassed or scared. So, I put on my new shirt, curled my 3-day hair, grabbed some chips & chili dip, swiped on some mascara & walked out the door. I didn’t care too much about my appearance because I knew everyone where I was going: My older brother, his wife, his best friend Joey, their even older friend Patricia, and all of the other hooligans she was bound to invite. Not a single man my age would be in sight. WRONG. (kinda).

The moment I walked in, hands full and eyes wide, there he was. “HI. P.” he said, with an enormous welcoming smile. With his hand still in mine, I turned to my sister in law & gave her the wide-eyed, smirk-frown that equates to “Who is thiiiiis? *heart eye emoji*” Phil, apparently.

Since I wasn’t feeing my best, I didn’t get up from the stool at the table to flirt my way into his thoughts. Besides, he was talking to my older brother, anyway. But as the night wore on, more people noticed our connection & before I knew it all  7 of the other people in the room were cheering us on.

Flash forward, I haven’t spent many days apart from him since. It’s been over 3 weeks. and I am not sure what is going on.

I went to the party because I was upset that Far Away Boy hadn’t texted me. In 3 days. I went because I didn’t want to sit at home & mope, and call him before he gave in and contacted me. I went looking for an escape. and what I found was so much more. So much different than anything I had ever dreamed. He’s tall (check), he’s handsome (check), he’s hilarious (check), but he’s 10 years older than me (eek), and has been married (oof), and doesn’t want children (yikes). I’m pulled in a hundred different directions every single day. I’m pulled by my ovaries, I’m pulled by my vagina, by my parents, my peers, and my friends. I’m pulled by his looks (very Chris Pratt), his biceps (Gah), and his sweet demeanor. He is honestly a nice guy. He is one of the only men I have – wait, I think he is the only man – I have ever met that has not had sex with me in this amount of time. Don’t you dare judge me. It’s 2017, and 3 weeks is a long time to refrain. But, what the fuck am I doing? He doesn’t want kids, and he has been married? Those are two giant red flags in regards to my vision. My fairytale. My happiness.

Here’s where I get to the point you all knew was coming.

Maybe the vision we have for ourselves is stupid. Maybe we need to be more open to the things we don’t think we’d want. Maybe we have to let the divorced, kind guy take us home. And make us breakfast. and laugh at our quirks. Maybe making a list is a good distraction, and that’s all. Maybe fairytales are for the big screen. Maybe life is better than anything we could have ever planned for, even if only for a little while. Maybe?

Who’s to say enjoying this is wrong, because one of us is going to end up with our heart shattered? I mean, do you think he thought that his marriage would end? No. Clearly not. But it did. and would he, or anyone who’s been divorced, or lost something that they thought they never would, ever regret whatever it was in the end? Doubtful & rare.  Things we never see coming show up all of the time. Usually that carries a negative connotation: Car wrecks, cancer, snow storms, death. But sometimes, the things we never see coming are beautiful, and fleeting, and worth it.

Maybe it’s my turn to shut the fuck up and just enjoy what has somehow fallen into my life.

Maybe?

Or maybe I’m finally tired of thinking too much, so I’m living life for once. Living outside of my comfort zone, & by my comfort zone I mean my neurotic, rambling mind. Outside of thinking every single thing to death, or at least outside of the inauthentic places that spark unhapiness & uncertainty.  I don’t really know how I feel right now, aside from lucky. and like I’m dreaming. I feel like someone is dangling “the other shoe” in midair just waiting for the right time to drop it. Honestly. But I’m also all in way too fast. I’m with this new person pretty much every single day, when before I wasn’t with anyone except Zero. I haven’t blogged (clearly). I haven’t sat on the sofa in my panties. I haven’t worked on much for my brother’s website. I haven’t cried. I haven’t watched The Longest Ride, even though I am dying to. I haven’t had any time to be bitter. or ugly. or alone. I’ve barely had time to get to the gym. I am losing myself already, when I said I never would. I am a loving breathing hypocrite. A terrified, confused, ravenous, anxious, somehow happy, hypocrite.

Shit.

Who & how the hell are you?

.xo.

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